What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
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Yelling, “get off my lawn!” at the landscapers just to confuse them.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
“No use crying over spilled milk” was coined by someone who didn’t have a 3yo who played with her milk. They didn’t have to deal with asking the 3yo to stop playing with her milk. And they def didn’t have to clean the spilled milk.
So you’re damn right I cried over spilled milk.
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Yup.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*