[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people
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just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
-hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger!
-oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.