Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
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“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
“our sushi is very fresh”
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
forgive me baja for i have blast
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
*packs 12 books to read on vacation*
im gona read so much i cant wait
[1 wk later]
*opens suitcase*
*somhow has 16 unread books now*
wat the