I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
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To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up