At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
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I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
To the person who brought multi-grain chips to the party- you could have just said you didn’t want to come.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
Just bought a thesaurus at the store and brought it home to find out the pages are all blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War