Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
You Might Also Like
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
THE POPE: i always get roof and ceiling mixed up lol
MICHELANGELO: what
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u