If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
You Might Also Like
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
I’m not sure which is a gentler way to wake me up; my 2yo or walking barefoot through a pile of glass shards.
mariah carrie
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer