Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
You Might Also Like
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒