Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
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Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.