7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
You Might Also Like
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Shoo shoo! 😂
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
It’s actually Dr. whatever
when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late
that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes