My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
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the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
If you ever light anything on fire accidentally, just tell people you’re boycotting something.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”