Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
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[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are.
We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Love thy neighbor’s dog
me trying to explain to google a song i heard 2 years ago
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
So embarrassing when you compliment a lady on her large belly and it turns out she’s just pregnant.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
nasa employee: oh hey jeff you’re back early
jeff bezos: moon’s unionized
nasa employee: what?
jeff bezos: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s unionized
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony