My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
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Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
they say you swallow 7 spiders a year in your sleep but have you considered not sleeping under a pile of leaves in your back yard
So I went to the store and bought 5 oranges, but somehow I lost 2 on the way home. Then when I got home I found I had 3 oranges behind the coffee machine — and now I’m officially the guy from the math problem you hated.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.