30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
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“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
guys i’ve cracked the code
*Girl opens Xmas present*
“Why’d you get me carrots and lettuce?”
“Wait but that means-”
*Hamster at home wearing glorious diamond earrings*
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
oh shit
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Me: Remind me of your name again?
Ben: It’s Ben
Me: one week since you looked at me…
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.