[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
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I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
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Someone’s fallen Lord
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Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
saw this in a dream
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Cinematography is my passion
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.