Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
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I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My favourite drivers are the designated ones.
Even if the recipe is called How to Cook One Clove of garlic, use three.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Technology promised us hoverboards but delivered e-scooters.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”