Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
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harry potter: i’m depressed
dumbledore: your parents died when you were a baby, cedric and your godfather were killed in front of you, a homicidal maniac is trying to kill you. i get it
harry: yeah
dumbledore: so i need you to go on a deadly quest to find some soul trinkets
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[train station]
Man: hey you.
Woman: Hi.
M: i’m Christian.
W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks awayM: ugh. i hate my name.
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Best mom ever 😂
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
March 16
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
“Are you fine being hugged while you pee?” is a question someone should’ve asked me before I had kids.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Me: So I’ll see you Friday?
Friend: I can’t wait!
Me: FINE THEN FORGET IT
That’s classic.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.