“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
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Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Somewhere a village is missing its idiot.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, I can’t remember where I live.
observational humor is about to get weird. like hey guys you know how when you go into my kitchen specifically
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I had a friend who doesn’t care for sports sit & watch a basketball game & hes quiet for a bit & just barks out: “Yeah I dont think there are that many squeaks. They gotta be pumping em in”
That was over 10 yrs ago I havent watched a single game since without thinking of it
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it