Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.