If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
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Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for