I eat something every 29 minutes just to ensure no one can ever make me go swimming.
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If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
Lmbo
That stupid look on my face, is my face
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat
Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
My dog learned how to text
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not