Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
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Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME: did the dog put you up to this
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
My dream job is getting paid to dream
me: is there anything i can do about my dry skin
dermatologist: aloe
me: hi is there anything i can do about my dry skin
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”