Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
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my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
most awkward objects to handle:
1. mattress
2. big sack of onions
3. dead guy rolled in a carpet
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive