[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
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wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Before I had kids I never really reflected on life’s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend