[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
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watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.