If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
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When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
*typing “eight spiders” into my calorie app*
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.