I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
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Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
#MeanwhileinCanada
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
I’ve reviewed your insurance & laughter really is the best medicine.
‘oh there’s not a big enough piece of cheese left to grate I’ll just eat this last bit’ *shoves 2/3 of a mozzarella ball in my mouth*
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
There is “Tea” in Team and I am not sure what I am trying to say here but it’s very inspirational.
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
me and the Superbowl rn
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.