[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
The 6 types of sex
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
My best friend just sent me a picture she saw on Facebook and I was all like,”is this the new school board?” And she was like, “um, isn’t that your son and the mock trial team?”
Anyway, I’m a REALLY GREAT mom.
A word of caution from someone who took two (2) of his kids to their initial orthodontist appointments today: Before you decide that you can afford to have children, remember that children have teeth.
If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?