My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
You Might Also Like
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
are there any atheist mantises?
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
“you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it”
*spends 3 hours trying to put cheese strings on a guitar*
Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.