Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
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If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
I made some Disney valentines. Please enjoy and share.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Autocorrect is my menesis
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.