Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
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If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
Her: undress me with your words
Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Don’t tell me where I go when I die, I want it to be a surprise
Dane Cook: I’m dating a 23 year old
Leonardo DiCaprio: hold my beer
Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend: I can’t
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs