Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
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If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Gods work.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.