“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.
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Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
who did the taste test?
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”