They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
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That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
centaur: *falls down* I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: agh I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me “I could marry you”. I couldn’t believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.