[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
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Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
When you “pspspsp” too hard
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Netflix: We have Less
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
ready to be harvested
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*