my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
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Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
[wedding]
Priest: repeat after me
Groom: after me
P: … [to bride] is he serious
Bride: no his name is gary
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
😂🤣😂🤣
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.