“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
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Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
Breaking news:
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
I asked my wife if she thought alligators could get aids and she showed me all these studies on how their blood can be used to fight autoimmune diseases and then I didn’t have the heart to tell her I was just trying to make a Gatorade joke.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys