“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
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I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
No I don’t carry “a” grudge. I carry like 20 grudges and keep about 50 more in storage to sort through later.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
These are too funny not to post 😂
50 might be the new 40, but the hundred dollar bill is now the new twenty.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.