[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
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Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.