Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
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What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Hitting it from behind is just how I drive
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
first my neighbor liked my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Yep.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records