[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
You Might Also Like
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
And now we wait
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn