To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
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[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
lol
[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth