Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
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why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
We covered ‘stop, drop, and roll’ often enough in school that I thought I would’ve caught fire at least once by now.
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…