Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”
3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”
Me: “Did you throw the ball?”
3: “No, my bat did.”
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Considering the fact that I’m still working in people’s homes everyday, if the coronavirus hasn’t killed me in a week, nothing can kill me.
Except bullets.
Bullets and gravity.
Also poison.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
me: *tries to schedule car maintenance online*
website: we need you to call for that
me: *calls*
phone message: we’re busy, use the website
me: screams into the void
the void: please use the website
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…