guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
You Might Also Like
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK