The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
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I want the confidence of my 3yo while taking a giant drink of straight lime juice after I’ve been yelling at her for 2 mins that she will not like it.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.