Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
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Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
ME: we’re gonna crash I thought you said you could fly this thing
HER: no I just said that I do pilates
ME: *sighing* fine then call one of them and see if they can help us land
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside