If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
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If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
What is going on? 😅
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.