Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
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Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
Trumpy Cat
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.