I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…
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I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
What’s a Messi?
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Me: I had a meeting with your teachers. They had a lot of good things to say about you, including that you’re super, super smart.
6-year-old: Wait, wait, go back. How many supers?
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here